Your Mother's Tits

Hotel life

2011-01-27T21:09:00.001-08:00

So I get into my hotel room after work, and I notice that the fucking maids moved my ketchup packets from the left side of the table, all the way to the right side which is bullshit. If I wanted the packets on the right I would have put them there. Then I look over at the bed and there's four fucking pillows!? Like what the fuck ? Do I look like I have 4 fucking heads ??

thinking about changing hotels.

Diss Missed

2010-04-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Maybe you should try taking a course in being smart person, cause your brain sounds as if it were the size of a person's brain who only probably has half a brain.

Santa takes er Greyhound

2010-03-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a mouse, because Santa bought a bunch of mouse traps and got rid of most of them.

Meanwhile at the greyhound bus station, Santa is at the ticket booth...

Santa - " I would like a ticket for each town "

Ticket Attendant - " Excuse me sir ticket for where? Where are you going?"

Santa - "Every town I said. What do you think I just wear this stupid suit and beard for nothing ? I'm Santa for Christ sakes
I have to deliver gifts to every fucking house tonight. "

Ticket Attendant - " OK ...? Don't you have a sleigh for that ?

Santa " Do I look like I have a fucking sleigh to you?? I had a sleigh until Rudolf got piss loaded drunk last night, guided the sleigh into a telephone pole, and got
a DUI.

Ticket Attendant - " Well can't you get Donner or Blitzen to guide the sleigh tonight ?"

Santa - "Donner is the only other reindeer with a class 3 license and he knocked up some elk and ran away to Alaska."

The ticket attendant glanced past Santa and noticed his sky high pile of bags.

Ticket Attendant - " I'm sorry Mr Santa but we don't have room for all those bags on our buses."

Santa - " Listen lady do you know what it takes to make these gifts? Everyone thinks elves just work for free like on the movies, well that's bullshit. I have to feed them, house them, and listen to their annoying squeaky voices. I do all this just to give the world all free shit for no apparent reason, and now you won't let me on your bus?"

to be continued...

2009-09-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today's News Headlines :

Teen pirate girl walks the plank after boyfriend dumps her.

Joke

2009-07-01T10:34:00.001-07:00

What did Paris Hilton say when she burnt her lips on hot coffee ?

answer: "That's hot"

Ladies first

2009-05-26T13:36:00.001-07:00

I am a true old fashioned gentleman. When I come up to a doorway, not only do I believe in ladies first. I believe in ladies first, transgendered persons second, Homosexual men third, most feminine men fourth, and regular men dead last.

2009-05-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

I would just like to thank Mcdonalds for being so dearly charitable over the many years,and supplying all those kegs of orange colored sugar drink to all the kids soccer games. Well done !!

Cabin Fever

2009-03-12T15:53:00.001-07:00

Cabin fever might be annoying but at least you don't have cabin aids.

Cookie Monster

2009-03-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

You really gotta feel bad for Cookie Monster. His whole purpose in life is to eat cookies, and he doesn't even have a throat.

Dear Curlers

2008-12-10T19:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Curlers,

Why don't you just sweep the ice before you curl?

Rappers

2008-11-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know why every rapper, ABSOLUTELY MUST , have a phone call skit on their album ? Are rappers responsible for making the household phone as popular as it is today?

Diary Entries from a Baby in the Womb

2008-11-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

Dear diary,

Month 9

Holy fuck its getting hot up in this motha!!!

- Baby

Milf Hunting

2008-10-30T04:46:00.002-07:00

Are you trying to approach that special MILF, but you feel you would look too immature ?
Grow a mustache and tuck in your T Shirt ! .... Why didn't you think of that ?

Milf Hunting

2008-10-30T04:46:00.001-07:00

A&W is setting the bar high with a new burger

2008-10-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

After almost 90 years in the grease slangin business, A&W has recently gone leaps and bounds beyond the old, boring, immediate family burgers, they've really ventured into some uncharted grease with......... THE UNCLE BURGER!!!!!

Here are some more hip new burger names I really think they should run with.

The 3rd cousin who taught me how to smoke cigrits burger
The mom's new boyfriend who beats me burger
The drunk driving, womanizing, great uncle Fred burger
The great uncle, twice removed, Chester the molester burger

New Ideas for Talent Shows

2008-08-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

So You think you Can Chug Horse Piss.

or The x rated... so you think you can fuck

What have you

2008-08-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

Bumper Sticker :

Hows my driving ? Call 1 800 your mothers house

T shirts :

The more people I meet, the more I love working overtime at the dump.

World's alright dad when I'm not in jail.

Bumper Sticker Ideas

2008-08-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

My other ride is a barstool at the legion

My other ride is a piece of shit too

My other ride is too rusty to pass inspection

Bumper Sticker Ideas

2008-08-03T12:49:00.000-07:00

"My other ride is a barstool at the legion"

"My other ride is too rusty to get inspected"

McDonalds

2008-04-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

Just so you know McDonalds restaurant (The finest of Scottish cuisine), is so hungry for employees they are NOW ADVERTISING FREE UNIFORMS. If you were ever torn between working there or not, you can now rest, and make you decision a yes.

Christmas Querys

2008-04-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

So is there anybody who actually likes fruit cake? Or is the whole cake eaten by people pretending to like it?

Where do all the Brazil Nuts go from the xmas nut mix ? Do people eat them ? Can anyone actually crack one without it exploding all over the room?

Letter from Camp - Week 2

2008-04-07T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom and Dad,

Church Camp sure is swell this summer. Counsellor Gary lets me ride in his canoe, even after all the other kids go to bed. Last night Counsellor Gary let me roll his ciggarettes again. This time the tabbaco was green. Gary says that green tabbaco is play tabbaco for kids. Counsellor Gary said if i smoked some I would grow a nice big moustache just like his. He is so cool.

Last night we paddled up the lake to Counsellor Gary's Friends house. Gary said he left a couple chainsaws, power tools, or whatever, in his friends garage. When we got to his friends house, Gary said if I went to get the power tools from the garage, he would let me paddle back to camp. Counsellor Gary said his friend was sleeping and he didnt want to wake him with the canoe. He helped me out of the canoe and into the water, to go swim to the garage. He waited in the canoe.

When I got the chainsaws I tried swimming back to the canoe, but Gary got mad. He said I have to keep the chainsaws out of the water. He told me to swim on my back. I tried but I choked on too much water. Gary threw me some water wings and saved my life !!

Counsellor Gary said I should do something nice for him for saving my life. He is getting me to clean the toilets and mop up the garbage juice.

Miss you guys,

Love Little Timmy

2008-03-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

And the hottest new look for spring 2008 is!! ........ (drum roll)...... Smoking ciggarettes while chewing your food.

Say hello to my little friend

2008-03-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

When Scarface says "Say hello to my little friend", he pulls out his machine gun and shoots everyone

When I say "Say hello to my little friend", I pull out my mastercard and say, "It's on me sweet heart."

Diesel Boy

2008-02-06T19:24:00.000-08:00

I'm working in northern Alberta so I can afford to feed my baby daughter. Her name is Mastercard

Hobbies to do around the house

2008-01-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

Things to do with your kid, while they're expelled from school and you're on house arrest.

1) Roll sagrits.
2) Go out in the driveway and throw rocks at birds.
3) Watch Jerry Springer.
4) Go in the smallest room in the house and hotbox it with sagrit smoke.

Get Rich Quick

2008-01-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants to get rich quick. The fact of the matter is, not all of us are amazingly talented street poets like 50 cent. Here are a 2 alternatives to get rich if you can't rap.

1) Enter the workforce early.

Drop out of school in grade 3 and start working on the farm. The secret to this method is to not have 15 kids.

2) Start your own company

Start a cigrit rolling company. To save money run the company out of your house. Your children can be your employees. You don't even have to pay them, because they think it's fun. Even if you don't end up getting rich, you can still chain smoke and watch Jerry Springer.

I'm Lovin it!

2008-01-18T13:53:00.000-08:00

I recently started working at McDonalds which means I am a trainee. I'm required to wear a tag that says,"I'm new and I'm trying". So anyway, I was Moping the floor the other day, and the manager comes up to me and says, "Wow! now I've seen a lot of people mop before, but your amazing!"
I replied, "Why thank you sir, I was formerly a professional custodian, just down yonder of this establishment, at a cozy little restaurant known as Burger King."

The Manager shot back,"Well I like you're attitude son. Have you ever considered being the CEO of McDonalds?"

I replied,"why no sir, what does that position entail? Would that mean you would increase my pay as high as minimum wage?"

On the verge of laughter the manager answered,"Lets just say CEO is a bigger pay increase than that, you would even be able to afford to won your very own vehicle, maybe even health insurance ."

I replied,"No way sir, your kidding"

Manager said, "No I'm not kidding son and your hired. Now come in my office and put on your new suit"

I went in the manager's office and he grabbed the suit and handed it to me. It was one piece coveralls. I looked back at him puzzled.

The manager smiled and said, what you didn't actually fall for the old CEO gag did you? I'm going to need you to scrub out the inside of the dumpster out back. It's gotta be spotless by noon."

Spice Boys

2008-01-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

Good names for an all male spice girl cover band.

Gary Spice
Ron Jeremy Spice
King Edward The 3rd Spice
Jim "the Hammer" Shapiro Spice
Larry Barry Spice

Things you shouldn't say while at confessions

2007-11-30T11:59:00.000-08:00

1) Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. I took a major draft dump in the church bathroom, clogged it, and now its overflowing.

2)Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. I was so fucking hung over I drank all your holy water.

3)Please forgive me Father for I have sinned. During communion I found the body of Christ so bland that I ordered a pizza.

Turning emo

2007-11-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

I thinking about turning emo, but I dont really like black fingernail paint or skin tight tapered black jeans, so instead I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get a tight black t shirt and print "I'm Sad" on it.

Alternatives to the Contemporary.

2007-10-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

When it comes to lovemaking, most of us prefer a certain form of contraceptive.

The most popular choices include:

The pill
The needle
Condoms

Now over time these methods of contraceptives can get expensive. They can also get routine and tedious. Keep in mind they also have a chance of failure. Have you ever tried what we like to call Alternative Sexual Intercourse?
Alternative Sexual Intercourse is in itself, sex and a contraceptive in one. Note that unlike conventional contraceptives, these alternatives are 100% effective in preventing unwanted pregnancy, and they are just as pleasurable.

The following are our top 3 suggestions for Alternative Sexual Intercourse.

Cyber Sex - Don’t forget your imagination when engaging in cyber. I suggest you forget getting lube involved. All lube is going to do is end up on the key board and you’ll be typing and slipping around typing, “You smelt like shit Davie.” instead of “You like it like that baby?” I always say “Lube it and Loose it.” Good cyber is done only with your eyes. Make sure when choosing a computer that it has at least 1.5 to 2 gigs of ram. Without sufficient ram you run the risk of delays in your rhythm. When it comes to cyber rhythm is very important.

Phone Sex - Very important! Use house phones only. No cell phones. There is nothing more awkward then voice delays or dropped calls when you’re trying to talk dirty. Also turn off that call waiting option on your phone, unless you and your partner agree to a threesome. Take note, using call waiting for threesomes can get challenging if your switching back and forth, doing “phone foreplay” with one partner, and “phone sex” with the other. In the event of a threesome its better start with a 3-way call. Get some sort of headband to hold the receiver to your head. You’ll want your hands free to explore. Kind of like that John Mayor song, except this time its, “Your own body is a wonderland.”

Blow up Doll – Spend the extra $$$ and get a doll that suits your needs. (Better than the one you got for Gary’s bachelor party). Getting intimate with a cheap plastic doll is like that time at the woods party when no one had condoms. Lets just say the first time, is the last time, when it comes to using an empty freezie wrapper as a condom ("ouch!!" for both partners)

Put some thought into Alternative Sexual Intercourse and realize it's a great alternative!!!

Best Sub to get at Subway

2007-10-21T23:12:00.000-07:00

Footlong white, just ham, no condiments.

Quote of the Year

2007-10-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

"Knome sayin?"

- that rapper guy

Gender Jokes

2007-09-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Men are like blenders. They're easy to turn on but sometimes they make a
mess.

Men are like bad haircuts they look real stupid, but then they grow on you.

Men are like blue jeans, it's hard to find the perfect fit, and when you do they're full of shit stains.

Why are house cats better than women? Cause a house cat doesn't yap in my fucking ear all night.

Why do women like earmuffs? Cause then they don't have to listen to men burp and fart in their face all night.

How is a rock smarter than a man? Cause they'd rather live outside by themselves then listen to a fucking woman yappin in thier ear 24 7.

Why are men like stray dogs? They only come back for food and to piss on the floor when they're drunk.

Why do lesbians like girls who suck dick? so they don't have to.

Why can't women drive a stick shift? Cause every time their hand touches it they have to put their mouth on it too.

One Liner t shirts that should be made

2007-08-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not a millionaire , but I'm a thousandaire, well only on payday, and only if I get a lot of over-time.

I'm with geneos (with the arrow pointing at myself)

Come on kids, eat your chips or you ain't getting no smokes.

If dont get my Timmy's in the morning, I'll beat my wife

I ain't cheap, I'm just broke from paying child support.

World's mediocre dad , when I'm sober.

Bad Ideas for Facebook Group Names

2007-08-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

The "I've had sex with tones of prostitutes group."

The "I'm a fugative running from the law group."

The "Where can I hook up some good drugs group"

The 'Who wants to buy some crack from me? group"

The "I'm too stupid to think of another name for a group, group."

The "group for facebook group enthusiasts"

Blind Dates

2007-08-17T11:40:00.000-07:00

So your gonna go on a blind date. Now before you meet this girl at the coffee shop, you have to describe what you look like. She has never seen your face and needs to know who to look for. Here are a few desciptions that will add momentum to your date before it even starts.

I'll be the guy smiling with the gold teeth, well light gold, closer to yellow I guess.

I'll be the guy in tight black jeans, my hair is short on the sides but longer in the back.

I'll be the guy in tight black jeans, that cucumber like thing under my pants, its not a cucumber.

I'll be the guy waiting with the box of condoms on table infront of me.

I'll be the guy in the tight sleaveless plaid hoodie and a cowboy hat.

I'll be the guy in the tight leather vest and the assless chaps.

I'll be the guy in the corner with the sleasy smile and a boner.

"Thats Hot"

2007-08-09T11:34:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton, world renowned genius, famous for being famous, has generated mainstream gossip with her catch phrase, "thats hot".

What I'm gonna do is see if I can jump start my popularity, with the following catch phrases I've invented from scratch.

"thats neat"
"thats fun"
"have fun"
" lets go"

Joining the NHL

2007-08-08T11:01:00.001-07:00

Well this summer I got really good on them roller blading skates. I could even run around backwards on em, like I'm talking the whole nine yards here. So I decided I was gonna join the NHL. So I needed a nice pair of them ice skates, so I find out a nice pair of nikey skates or something are atleast 250$, otherwise they are just gonna laugh at me. So I quit drinking for the weekend and saved up 250$ for get a nice pair of nikey skates. So here I am driving to buy skates and the fucking clutch goes on my chevette , well fuck I said, here we go. So its either get the skates and join the NHL, or fix my car. Well I said fuck it, left the car, and hoped a cab. Got down to Maple Leaf Gardens. I walk in the door and find out they don't even have no gear, no pads, no nothing. So now I'm just saying fuck it. I told them I'd go out on fucking ice anyway. Those fuckers looked at me like I had 4 heads and asked what farm team I played for. Well I fucking gave it right to em, I told em, farm team!!?I hold the fucking worlds strawberry picking record east of the bay of fundy, 97 flats in 2 hours. They told me to leave , and jesus christ, I went into a blind rage. I plowed Paul Maurice's right teeth out his head. Took 3 black coffees from the machine and stormed out the building.

2007-08-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom and Dad church camp is tones of fun. Counsellor Gary is very nice. Yesterday he let me roll his ciggarettes all day in one of the cabins. He said don't tell anyone because they would get all jealous. At the end of the day he even let me smoke one. It was fun at first it felt like a roller coaster, then i got dizzy and puked, but counsellor Gary said thats only cause it was my first smoke. Me and counsellor Gary went for a fun ride in his car. We went to a house where Gary said he left his tv in the living room. The door woudn't open so Gary gave me a boost up to one of the windows. I climbed in and went to get the tv for Gary. I couldnt lift the tv, so Gary got a little mad. It was ok though, he said just grab the playstation.
When we got back to camp Gary gave me a pop that smelled like grand dad. Then I got really tired and laughed a lot. Gary drank a lot of pop then we went for a ride in one of the canoes. Counsellor Gary started napping in the canoe. I got bored so i hopped out and swam back to camp. I hope cousellor Gary comes back soon.

see you soon
love Little Timmy

Best Things To Do With a Welfare Cheque

2007-07-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

try your luck on the vlts

buy a carton of smokes for the kids, and just bum smokes off them.

buy 50 to 100 scratch tickets

chain smoke

buy a bulk box of kraft dinner

take the kids out to mcdonalds

Interests of the Day

2007-07-31T09:17:00.000-07:00

1) honky tonk music (if it gets the big titted blondes on the fucking dance floor, its my kinda music)

2)fast women (if they ain't putting out fast, then they ain't worth my time, cause i couild be working overtime)

3)strong cigrats (if they aint export green then break the fucking filter off cause they dont kill the croak)

4) black coffee (dont need no sugar, im sweet enough)

5) hard licker (liquid panty remover)

6)tits (double ds like dolly)

7)blonds

8) chevys and v8's (not the drink, cause that drink is for fucking women and rabbits. v8 engines you fucking idiots)

Quotes to live by

2007-07-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

New York Rapper, Mims, really hit the nail on the head with this earth shattering quote from one of his catchy choruses,"this is why im hot , im hot cause im fly, and you ain't cause you not."

Quotes to Live by

2007-07-30T16:51:00.000-07:00

The great, wise, poet/song writer, 50 CENT once stated," If you live in a glass house then don't throw rocks, and if you got a glass jaw you better watch your mouth, cause I'll break your face!!!"

Not a conventional style of threat, yet very effective

Interests of the day include

2007-07-30T16:48:00.000-07:00

shirts that go down to my ankles

over sized yankee hats

hats with the size sticker left on them.

Riches to Rags

2007-07-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I was creepin down the strip in my drop top 2007 Cadalac. A gansta rap baseline massaged my whole body as i grooved to the beat.The ladies are checking me out hard. I'm looking hard as fuck and totally pimped out. I could kick anyones ass, come on anyone try me. I dare ya. All of the sudden my smooth ride gets a little bumpy. "Shit homes , my caddy's got a flat, this ain't cool cuz", I think to myself. The the music stops. 'What happened to the music?", I wonder. Next my ride stops movin.I gave my head a shake and came to. Here I was lying on the ground. I looked over. I wasn't driving a caddy at all. It was my bicycle. I was driving my bike hammered with a 40 ounce, I dropped my forty and smashed it. The broken glass popped my tire. The ladies checkin me out were really two girls screaming, "watch where your going!!", (which i couldn't hear because my walkman was on). I then swerved and whipped out, smashing the walkman and stopping the music. The girls continued to tell me off only now I could hear them. I think maybe next time I wont take 50 cent so seriously.

Your Mother's Tits

Hotel life

Diss Missed

Santa takes er Greyhound

Joke

Ladies first

Cabin Fever

Cookie Monster

Dear Curlers

Rappers

Diary Entries from a Baby in the Womb

Milf Hunting

Milf Hunting

A&W is setting the bar high with a new burger

New Ideas for Talent Shows

What have you

Bumper Sticker Ideas

Bumper Sticker Ideas

McDonalds

Christmas Querys

Letter from Camp - Week 2

Say hello to my little friend

Diesel Boy

Hobbies to do around the house

Get Rich Quick

I'm Lovin it!

Spice Boys

Things you shouldn't say while at confessions

Turning emo

Alternatives to the Contemporary.

Best Sub to get at Subway

Quote of the Year

Gender Jokes

Top 5 Ice Breaker topics for meeting new people

One Liner t shirts that should be made

Bad Ideas for Facebook Group Names

Blind Dates

"Thats Hot"

Joining the NHL

Best Things To Do With a Welfare Cheque

Top Best University Dorm Room Posters

Interests of the Day

Quotes to live by

Quotes to Live by

Interests of the day include

Riches to Rags